Pregnancy 101

Course Aims:

- Inform readers of the real harrowing aspects of pregnancy and child rearing

- Dash the hopes of would-be young authors who find the notion of Hermione getting pregnant by Harry…or Ron…or Draco..or possibly all three of them, a dashing fun game.

- Motivate at least one child to apologize to their mother.

Step One: Communication
Whom do you know who has gone through pregnancy before? Well, let’s start with the obvious, your mother. Meet her in the kitchen with a cup of tea. Sit her down and calmly explain that you are writing a Harry Potter fan fiction in which the main character gets pregnant by one of three boys and you would like to keep it as realistic as possible.

Step Two: Waiting
At this stage, your mother will likely have started screaming at you for contemplating such a concept. If you are a daughter, it is likely that she has assumed this was less a question about your story and more a hypothetical situation that “your friend” may be in. For sons, it is likely that she may think this is a hypothetical situation that one of “your friends” has gotten that sweet girl down the street into. This will subside.

Step Three: Reheat the Tea
That is to say, if she has not overturned it in her initial rage. Take this as an indication of what a fantastic idea this plotline is.

Step Four: Get Comfortable
Yes, I hope your kitchen is a warm, cozy place because you are about to spend the next four to five hours hearing the stories of harrowing three AM feedings, vomit, feces, the time you urinated all over your father and your bedroom wall, bath time, getting mashed carrot stains out of the white jumper she had just bought for you, bank account draining, losing the baby weight, doctor visits, hospital bills, panic, hysteria, chaos, lost intimacy, morning sickness, pickle ice cream and, finally, she will complete her tale of the first month of your life.

Step Five: ?
To be honest, I have not drafted a step five. If you have made it through steps one to four and still feel that your story still sounds like great fun, there is nothing that I can do to stop you.

Step Five – The Alternate Option: Apologize
Your mother has sacrificed a lot for you. Sleep, money, goals, her hopes and dreams. Now you have come to realize that your mother gave up a lot of things for you, that you have, effectively ruined her life. Stop, turn around, take out your brand new lip ring and say you’re sorry. Go upstairs, finish your homework and clean your room. Set aside notions of writing a story about teen pregnancy, realize that, in the real world, there is no Madame Pomfrey to take care of a crying baby when you need to focus on NEWT’s and that you stop being a teenager the minute the strip turns pink.

If the above process does not work for you, come visit my grandmother and repeat steps one through five. If you return home in one piece, your story will be welcomed with open arms.