Bad Author: Dispelling The Worst of Fan Fiction Myth

Time - It's Not Just For Fun Anymore: The Technology Edition

2006-05-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

In 2006, there are a lot of things we take for granted. At any given time, you can find, within my tiny Michael Korrs barrel bag, an iPod, a palm pilot, a cellphone, a digital camera a stray cd, four tubes of lip-gloss, three stray receipts…Sorry, getting off the point a bit, am I? Things haven’t always been so, however, and it’s important to remember that when embarking upon an piece of fanfiction. Thus, I have taken it upon myself to inform some of you who may not remember when car-phone was not something that your grandparents called your Firefly, but a piece of luxury technology.

The Cellular Phone: A Brief History

The concept for cellular phone technology actually originated in the late 1940’s when it occurred to someone that you could break up radio-frequency into grids – or cells – and greatly improve telephone technology, but the cellular phone, in it’s current incarnation, didn’t appear on the market until 1984 – and when it did, it landed with a great big splash – literally.

The first cellular phone was manufactured by none other that Motorola, released in 1984, and weighed a whopping two pounds – but, for those with the liquid cash to shell out a cool $3,995, you could ensure 30 minutes of talk-time…if you could get reception. Until very recently – historically recently, not DaVinci as Karl Rove recently – cellular phones were not a commodity that just anyone could afford. There were no pick up and go plans and there was no hope of a signal in the back woods of Northern Wisconsin.

Upsides of the DynaTAC 8000X – if you were ever caught in a dark alley, your phone doubled quite effectively as a bludgeoning device.

The mp3 Player: A Broad Outlook
We all know what a new phenomenon the iPod is – overwhelming the world with it’s completely ineffective technology and, yet, it’s attachment to iTunes and proprietary format have entrapped buyers, like me, who simply cannot go without a personal mp3 player.

Born in the mid-80’s on the cusp of the CD revolution, I saw a touch of tape players and lived through years of scratched CD’s. With a brief forey not so long ago into the realm of the MINIdisc – a technology only recently reincarnated for the Sony PSP – my life moved seamlessly from CD to true digital media – the mp3 player.

The most important thing to remember when considering an mp3 player’s role in your fanfiction is that mp3 players didn’t come to be until 1997 when SaeHan Information Systems had a brilliant idea. What that means, ladies and gents, is that even if Draco is far more tech savvy than one can truly believe he is, he still couldn’t have gotten his hands on the device until the dreaded HBP.

Since the days of the humble 32MB portable device, mp3 players have grown to include massive 40G Archos players and tiny iPod Nano’s but you just can’t blur the dates.

Personal Computing: Viva The Revolution
Computers for home use have not always been as prolific as they are today and, even today, it is sometimes hard to remember that most US households are without PC’s. (Yes, a little piece of my soul dies every time that painful fact is brought about.) The first PC’s came to exist in the Apple II, the IBM 5150, and the Commodore 64 – 1977, 1981 and 1982, respectively – and, trust me, they weren’t cheap.

The PC that most adult geeks are quickest to remember, in truth, is the Apple IIe – the behemoth we’ve all come to know and love, released in 1983. How retro is that?

The Point
The point is this – part of writing, particularly fantasy, is to take yourself out of where you are, and so much of where we are is technology. If not because canon insists on it or because history demands it, at least leave this sort of thing out of your story for the sake of your self-respect.

Video Games: Truth and Lies
The closest the Marauders would have ever gotten to an X-Box would have been the original Atari console - which released in 1971 and still kicks unequivocal ass. My somewhat geekier friends tell me that the Atari 2600 is all that counts :) The next system anyone could have gotten their dirty mitts on would have been the advent of Nintendo. Proof that 1985 was a good year for geeks, girl and gaming varieties, Nintendo released the NES - a console that is still played in more mom's basements than you or I care to deal with. Other 80's contenders included the SEGA and the SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System.) From what I can tell, and my gamer knowledge is a little fuzzy, the Sony Playstation hit European markets in 1996.

Since then, consoles have evolved a lot from the PlayStation 2 in 2000, the original X-BOX in 2001, to the X-box 360 release mayhem just last year.

Tech Tid-Bits

Floppy disks used to actually be floppy - like a piece of bologna.
One of the largest innovations in the Apple IIE from the Apple II was the advent of a system that supported both capital and lowercase letters.
The original cellular phone was not worth it's weight in gold.
The internet has not always existed but, yes, Al Gore did have a hand in it's creation.
Instant messaging was born, for engineers and academics, in the 1980's, but the first general messaging system was ICQ and didn't premiere until 1996.

What This Means For You:

Lily cannot call her friend Britney up on her RAZR and ask her to come to Gladrag's Wizard Wear
Harry - owner of no muggle money - would, likely, be unable to hang out with Ron and Hermione and show them the tunes he downloaded over the summer with his new fangled mp3 player.
James didn't send Lily anonymous e-mails declaring his love for her.
I remember Prodigy. Lily Evans doesn't. She did, however, probably play PONG

Aesthetics: Formatting

2006-05-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

A banner can tell you a lot about a story – the feel that the author has in mind, their character concept and often times, if you pay enough attention, the type of characters you’re likely to find within, but a banner can’t make the experience of reading a story more pleasurable and a nice banner doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re about to read a story that was well thought out and from an author who put time, consideration, research, and original thought into the work they put forth. The titles and summaries that accompany every story and chapter are, again, illustrative and important, but they are temporary – they are merely the thing that you see on your way in the door. A nice foyer does not a Victorian mansion make.

Thus, we ask ourselves, what is the most important aesthetic choice I can make? If banners, summaries and titles bear relevance, but not the supreme relevance, what should I be focusing my time and attention on? After hours of deliberation (all right, minutes) and a long time with the site, I’ve come to theorize that the most important visual choice you can make is the one that determines how you plan to format your chapters.

Each chapter is a window into the world that you are attempting to create and the laws of grammar, as well as the restraints wrought by HTML, ease of use and carriage returns have to be balanced alongside that which makes your writing uniquely you – that which makes it identifiable.

Grammar: The Quiet Beast
My understanding of grammar and punctuation is sadly, remiss, but even my somewhat juvenile comprehension feels confident in venturing the following suggestions.

First, sentences and paragraphs should always be started with a capital letter.

Second, quotation marks, no matter how ‘boring,’ are the appropriate and socially accepted method of delineating when someone is speaking. It’s not nice to substitute an asterix or a hyphen or a backslash in their place. Yes, your method may be cuter, but it’s also jarring to the reader and it might inspire them to move on to another story rather than continue to struggle with yours.

Third, do not underestimate the power of the punctuation mark. Sad though it may be, many authors find that it gives their stories some sense of “self” to leave out the many periods, commas and apostrophe’s that might make their stories grammatically correct. While I’m not a stickler for grammar and I seldom notice a misplaced comma, it is important to use at least rudimentary punctuation when getting something ready to post. Periods to separate sentences are a must, at the very least.

Finally, learning to properly space dialogue is crucial. To learn how to do this, you might reference one of your favorite novels or even a book from the Harry Potter series…or, you might just consider carrying on reading this. When composing a story, many authors overestimate the importance of putting a complete thought into a paragraph. While that is important, construct provides that we separate characters dialogue into separate text clumps. Take the example below as an illustration.

Where you had expected friendly outrage, Paige stared resolutely at the rough wood and took another sip of her drink

“What?” Silence. “What?!”

Another sip.

“Nothing … I just …” Silence. “It might be a good thing.” Her voice was sheepish, quiet, and coy. Your eyes widened, and as she began to embark on her reasoning, you reached out for the nearby bottle and poured yourself another drink. “Look around, Alexis. You’ve got nothing in the Muggle world. We’re witches. I don’t have a choice; this pays the bills until I can afford to open my own shop, but you have a chance. You have an investment fund for crying out loud. Your parents will give you the money to open that little gallery you’ve been talking about.” Sensing your fury and the unmitigated look of shock, she spoke more quickly, letting her words slur together. “You only have one more exam before you’ll have your Auror certification and its Stealth and Concealment. If you finish that up, you could work at the Ministry for a few years and afford to open your gallery on your own. It’s just something to consider …” Paige added placatingly, seizing a push broom.

“Oh, screw it!” and with a swish of your wand, the floor was pristinely clean. “Lock up on your way out.” You said in as husky a tone as you could muster, heading for the door.

Note the way that when a new character speaks, a new paragraph is begun. You can include more than one ‘quote’ from a character within a single would-be-paragraph so long as it is not broken or interrupted by the speech of another character. Doing this correctly will work in the favor of your writing tremendously.

HTML – The Brute Force
HTML – the language with which your intentions communicate into your web browser – and those of your readers – is a force to be reckoned with. Where grammar has its preferences, there is no negotiating with HTML. What you see is what you get and you have no choice but to bow to its iron fisted rule.

The most crucial way in which HTML impacts an author submitting their works to our site is in their paragraph spacing. Grammatically speaking, it is almost tremendously inappropriate to format an article as I have done here – the gratuitous spacing would be frowned upon by your English professor and editor alike and, thus, one is inclined to think that it is inappropriate for this environment as well but the internet has its own sub-set of rules that impact grammar.

“Tab” is not something understood by HTML so the standard five-space indent that we are so accustom to using when we want to delineate between an old paragraph and the new one is quite a bit more difficult to accomplish than we might be used to. True, it can be done. HTML does understand a command for a ‘blank space’ and, entering five of these before the beginning of any new paragraph would enter an instruction that looks a whole lot like tab, but it is not only cumbersome to do, it’s not something most people are comfortable with viewing on the web. The best bet, instead, is to simply enter an extra return between each given paragraph as I have done in the formatting of this article or as you would do in the event of a forum post or otherwise.

In addition to the physical spacing which HTML impacts, it also presents you with additional tools of emphasis – most importantly bold and italic. The biggest thing to remember when using these is that they are tools – not toys. Now, I know, that seems a little extreme, but from your reader’s perspective, too many changes between standard format characters and bold, italic, underlined and center will drive them batty. It is common, in fandom as well as published literature, to use italics when one wants to point out a thought that the character is having, including their recollection of a memory. Note the way the intermittent thoughts as well as the larger “flashback” or memory is delineated using simple italics. This allows you to ensure that your readers notice what you are doing and do not get mixed up while reading without inserting an authors note that can risk taking a reader out of their environment.

Fourteen days. What’s another 182?

As the days passed, this was feeling a lot farther from anyone’s definition of ‘worth it.’

”Vogel!” An all too familiar voice was shouting to you from the path into Hogsmead. Instinctively, you flinched, almost losing your place in the novel leaning on your knees.

Soren James – one of the many among the privileged children of your mother’s friends. Soren paid your 14-year old self no more attention than an occasional nod or an obligatory smile during dinner since your first year and you returned them all with an equal excitement. He was, like most of the rest of the students at Hogwarts, little more than background noise that kept you from your studying. Not that you were particularly studious, only that it seemed one of the few things left to do when you paid no attention to your classmates.

“Isn’t it a bit cold to sit outside reading a book? Come on, a couple of us are meeting in the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer before Honeydukes.”

One of the simplest principals of psychology is the science behind returning to your roots. It brings back memories; helps us to sift through our present by understanding our past. You weren’t great with ‘sifting’ of any kind…through anything… Sifting was messy. Sifting dragged up the demons. Sifting got your hands dirty.

Underlines are used somewhat less often. The most common “correct” use of an underline is something not often done in a fictional environment – to reference a written work. (i.e., to underline “Hogwarts: A History”) but they are also used in other instances as a means of emphasizing a statement.

The final, and most irritating method of use for HTML employed by authors who write each chapter from the perspective of several different characters. For them, it is common to give each character a combination of bold, italic, underlines and base text and issue a “key” along with the chapter that explains who is whom. While this is an arguably good way to separate the point of view of one character from another, it takes something away from the reading experience to constantly need to refer back to a key to determine who is speaking. In this event, I will reference a written and published work – Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins – as an example of a written work that does vary perspectives throughout the story, moving from a human character – Ellen Cherry Charles – and several seemingly inanimate objects. To do this, Robbins uses a series of symbols to break between the varying perspectives but does not note it with a change in text, font, or with a veritable authors warning. Instead, he relies on the intelligence of the reader (which really needs only to be rudimentary) to gather that the change has gone from one character to another. To get a feel for how to do this, I would recommend popping down to your local library and taking a glance at this novel.

End It On This

2006-05-02T03:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've answered a lot of similar topics regarding story and chapter length and I thought that a quick piece on ending things was in order from the girl with the 600 word one-shot.

There is a point in every chapter where things come to an end. No, I'm not talking about the point where you have written 1527 words and your character has said

"I love him," she said, blushing.

"You love who?" A voice entered behind them. He was dark, handsome, and definitely didn't belong here.

"Oh my god - "

AN: TBC!! HAHAHAHA! Im so EVVVVVIIIILLL!

That is the point where you've left some retarded soap star cliffhanger as an effort to draw your readers back. As a brief aside, stop doing that. It's annoying and pointless. Rely on your prose, your plot, your characterization and your characters to bring them back for more. A cliff hanger is when you leave something in the story open and unanswered. That example - well that's just bad writing. And, yes, you can tell the people from Days of our Lives that I said that.

At this point, you have to ask yourself "What is the purpose of the ending?" because nothing should be in your writing without purpose. An ending is to give the reader a sense of finality, to tie up any loose ends and to give them closure. You should never be surprised to happen upon a stories ending - things need to come to their logical conclusion.

There are a ton of ways to end a chapter. I assure you, I'm not about to be horribly pompous, one of the joys of having stories of your own is that you've written them and, thus, you can use them and commentate upon them in whatever way you see fit without offending the author.

The Conclusion:
Just like in an expository essay, your chapters can have conclusions. From the afor mentioned, uber-short, one shot I wrote, Promises He Never Should Have Made, this passage ended the thing, revealing that the previous 500 words were nothing more than a memory.

As he boards the train today, the train that will take him back to Grimmuald
Place for another meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, hugs his daughter and
kisses his young wife, he can see her in the distance, hand in hand with her
prince charming, and he's thinking of all of the promises he never should have
made.

Few things we've done here - we've ended the storyline, not just the story. A lot of one-shots, and even multi-chaptered stories, can leave you wondering what happened afterwards. Did they ever get back together? Whatever happened to her mom? There's nothing wrong with that at all, it can be nice to leave the reader to imagine their own conclusion to a story, but if you're starved for a way to end something, a few sentences like this can make it a lot easier to do. The other thing we've done - and the thing that makes us certain that the chapter is over, is tied it back to the title.

The Real Cliffhanger:
At the risk of sounding insanely self-important, I like to think that the cliff hanger at the end of the first chapter of my story, Chronicles of Life, is what a real cliffhanger looks like. No stone in the chapter itself has been left unturned - no sentence cut off midway to hold the big reveal over until the next episode. The cliffhangers here lie within Who Soren James is, Why he is there, What he did to make her so angry, etc... rather than a great big "dun-duh-duh-duh!"

"Jamie. Jamie. Jamie." The room was noisy and, once again, all the freaks were out. "If you want another one of those," you gestured to his near empty rock glass, "you're going to have to quit trying to grab my ass every time I bring you a drink. Got it?" Jamie nodded, looking scorned, and you turned from the table.

Making it only a few paces before a strong hand gripped your wrist. "So, the next round is on you then?" Your voice was severe - deadly.
Attempting to wrench yourself free, the regulars watched as you turned on the brave soul restraining you.

There was the briefest moment before recognition settled in and as it did, the fire in your eyes intensified. In a mere second's contemplation, there was a crash of breaking glass, an intake of breathe, and the resounding crack of your palm colliding with his cheek.

Soren James was standing before you, a red welt growing on his face, but the expression of smugness, present since you'd known him, refused to fade.

The End:
Sometimes, you will meet a chapter that has neither a conclusion or a cliffhanger. True, every chapter does leave a reader with some sense of suspense - they want to know what is going to happen next - but when something simply reaches 'the end' it means that the author has done nothing to increase their sense of suspense from that of the normal. In the next passage, from the first chapter of Extempore, you will see that the chapter doesn't leave you with any particular sense of closure, but also not with any particular sense of dire need to know what happens in the future.

A particularly fragrant bunch of flowers caught your attention on the side of
the path. Before your mind could stop you, your arm was outstretched, snapping
the stem of a yellow daisy.
The motion was entirely instinctive and you'd managed it without dropping stride but now, nearing the Apparition safe point, you felt awkward and out of place with your daisy and the girl that wasn't yours. For what certainly wasn't the first time, you were reminded briefly of Lily. You had shared many such moments with her as a boy.
"I suspect Mad-Eye will want to hear the good news straight away," you said to break the silence.
"Probably." she added by way of reply. "That and I have to get out of these shoes before I fall. I think the charm I put on them is starting to wear out."You stifled the
unintentional laughter.
"I had rather wondered how you were managing." She grimaced and disappeared with a quiet Pop!

Just as with cliffhangers and conclusions, chapters that end in this fashion can have a wonderful appeal to the author and the reader as well. Endings of this nature are fantastic for "middle" chapters - after you have introduced your characters but before the plot begins to reach it's high point, a chapter that ends in this fashion can lend a story a much needed sense of calm which generally gives itself over to realism.

The Open-End:
Another very popular variety of ending is the open ending. Many authors employ this technique more unintentionally than not, but it is still a valuable option to consider in some cases.

In any story, thecomponentsy componants and many different questions raised. To use another sample from Chronicles of Life, this one from the final chapter rather than the first, you will see that while the story has come to an end and the ultimate goachieveden acheieved, the story as the reader knows it, may not feel final.

Note: In order to understand this particular sample, you may find it valuable to read the story in question which can be found here on harrypotterfanfiction.com.

The room had taken on a somewhat strange glow when you opened your eyes again,
rubbing the haze out of them. Soren's wrist lay uncomfortably under your neck and your stomach was growling even more painfully. Rolling over slightly to pry
yourself free, an arm wrapped around your waist, twining it's fingers lazily
over the contours of your waistline.
"Go back to sleep, Lexi."
When did it hit you that what you were feeling was love?

What the final sentance reveals is that she does in fact love Soren - but what this passage doesn't give away is whether she stays with him or leaves - whether they live happily ever after - whether she goes back to work or if she and her mother ever make peace. Employing an open ending can be a tricky thing. It invariably leaves any astute reader with a sense of longing - they want to know the answers to all of the unanswered questions but, at the same time, walking away from a story with a sense of unrest can makeprevalentlyore prevelantly in your mind.

Use caution, however, when employing this method. In order for it to work, you have to know quite clearly what your story is about. For Chronicles of Life, the story was never about whether or not she stayed with Soren, it was about her growing up enough and coming into her own to realize that she loved him. If it had been the other way around, an ending of this sort would have left the story incomplete.

As with all things, moderation and variety is key. You certainly can't end all of your chapters with a clear and finite conclusion and to end them all with a cliffhanger leaves an unbalanced and largely lop-sided story that is so wrought with suspense and going's-on that it begins to border melodrama. Combining the different methods of writing to achieve a balance will give your pieces - short, novella or novel-length - a sense of realism and cohesion.

Embracing Stereotypes

2005-11-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

Not so long ago in a land not so far away someone asked a rather common question; "What is Emo?" and I swooped in, like I do, with any answer. Any answer would have done but it occured to me, while reading over the youthful answers, that most kids don't een understand their own social sub-groups so today I'm going to take you on a little trip, embracing silly teenage stereotypes and tryingto further explain things.

There are nuances to any social situation and highschool is no exception.

Goth
Goth kids. Now, this is a widely disputed arena as it's currently experiencing an resurgance in popularity by the self-proclaimed.

One of the funny things about the alternative sub-genres is that it's unbelievably difficult to get in or out of them. You can buy the cd's, don the clothes, smoke, skulk, and still not be accepted but once you have been annointed, there is no escape.

The signs your character is going off the goth deep end? Pancake make-up and pale skin. Clothes that actually contain D-rings. There is generally a lot of poetry writing here and an afinity for red, black and grey as a color combination. Goths, unlike the more traditional metal kid with which they are confused, tend to sport newer clothing - because black fades, and fast.

They usually really like the word 'requium" and can often be found blaring Cradle of Filth without regard for the fact that their last two albums sucked royally.

Metal
Metal kids :) Ah, how I love thee. Metal kids are my personal favorite so you will have to excuse me for spending perhaps a little bit too much time here.

Metal, much like Punk, is probably one of the most difficult groups to fall into. Why? Because you can't buy a metal look.

The first rule of metal is that you must play an instrument - and, no, the violin doesn't count. Bass. Electric Guitar. Drums. These are instruments that will be considered for admission. Why? Because you will, at one point or another, be privy to a really bad garage band session in which you will be expected to take part in one capacity or another. I cannot tell you how many hours of my life have been 'wasted' away sitting on a cold concrete floor listening to four teenagers blasting over half-stacks.

The second rule is equally random but equally important. Black clothing. That said, unlike the Goth crew, which is also universally known for their afinity with the color, yours must be faded, worn in, and where possible, contain at least 10 original tour t-shirts from the late 80's and early 90's Metallica tours. This is extremely important. Point of fact, Hot Topic does not sell anything a 'real' metal kid wouldn't hit you for wearing.

Metal kids are not big on the whole "make-up" thing. Yes, you will see metal girls sporting the traditional girl make-up and i've, at one point or another, piled on more eyeliner and mascara then most girls, but it is nevertheless frowned upon as melo-dramatic for men (ahem, gerahard) to wear make-up. Get the notion that Draco is going to wander around listening to slipknot with caked on eyeliner out of your head.

As additional aspects to this, you're supposed to smoke. I have made it thorugh 9 years of metal-dom without ever pressing lips to Marlboro but I am a rarity.

Metal bands, fortunatley, give you some of the largest leeway as far as what you listen to. There are the staples, Metallica and co and then there are the offshoots of metal which you can foreey into as often as you like. There is the slipknot/mudvayne set, despite the fact that their last two albums have sucked. Iron maiden, etc...

Oh, and if you don't know who Pushead is, go home.

Metal has one additional subgroup which we've, none too affectionately, named New Metal. This consists of a lot of pop-culture caused crap. Evanessence, Seether, and most disgustingly, My Chemical Romance. Goth, goth can be about depression and death. Punk, punk is about a general dislike of rightwing causes, but until relatively recently, Metal was a scene all about being angry. And then...well, there was New Metal. Suddenly, we're throwing emo lyrics over a modified metal riff and calling it a single, then throwing on some Billy Jo eyeliner and a Lip Service outfit along with a little red eye-shadow and, hey, look! It's a hit album.

If my treatment of the subject is not obvious enough, those of us who have been diligent metal-heads since birth find it more than a little loathesome.

Most important thing to remember; Real Metal Doesn't Cry.

Point of fact, these are slipknot lyrics. " Insane - Am I the only motherfucker with a brain?/I'm hearing voices but all they do is complain/How many times have you wanted to kill/Everything and everyone - Say you'll do it but never will" - Eyeless

Punk
Punk is the fun sub-group. Where Metal, New Metal and Goth focuses largely on skulking and brooding, punk kids are a blast.

The punk movement, born of Berkley, focuses, in great portion, on property destruction and a general disdain for the right wing. Punk, much like metal, is not sold in stores and cannot be bought. It is a movement that relies heavily on hand-to-hand sales for new artists - and that's where all the good stuff is - and it takes years to properly break in a pair of dickies.

Contrary to popular belief, Green Day is no longer considered a punk band, and havent been since Dookie. They were, like so many others, also born of Berkley fame and I, to this day, adore them. (Yes, I would sleep with Billy.) Their last rock, pardon, punk-opera album, American Idiot has done more than enough to bring them back for a third time and has, for the dedicated fans, made up for the disaster that was International Pop Super Hits but they're still not NOFX.

The Misfits, mohakws, Dickies, and combat boots. Ah, yes, the wonder years.

It takes more than a black mini-skirt, a green day t-shirt and a pair of pink fishnet nylons to make a punk kid.

Emo
Oh how I loathe emo kids. They cry.

Emo is a trend born of the punk movement, but without all of the jumping up and down and fun.

Dashboard Confessional. *shudder*

Argyle is the pattern of choice - most particularly when paired with stripes or polka dots. Tight jeans that are often too-short or cuffed. Black shoes - usually doc martins or tennis shoes. The Emo kid tends to be wafishly thin, product of their animal-friendly vegan diet. Moppy haircuts and dramatic make-up (girls or boys) with a touch of horn-rimmed glasses.

Did I mention that Emo kids cry? Oy.

As i'm meeting with America's youth, the new metal movement, most goths, and a medly of the new punk kids, i'm finding that most of them are Emo Kids in disguise. Food for thought.

Preps
Preppy kids are another bunch I know about. Product of one of the United States most presitigous prepatory highschools, I've known my fair share.

Doc Martins, Louis Vuitton and pretty much anything else that is trendy and comes in Khaki, the prep is a unique beast. It's a clean bunch where everyone knows how to tie a bowtie and blasers are a regular part of the wardrobe, so long as they come in the finest wools.

To scale back on that, to the average American highschool, you'll find a lot of the same look, just more reasonably priced. These kids tend to listen to a lot of what's popular, no matter what that is. Michelle Branch used to be a must have and their CD collection always represents the pure American Heart.

Seriously, get these kids some apple pie.

Jocks
Jocks are generally a sideswing from the prop group in most highschools. The captain of the football team is always popular - right? That is the rule, isn't it? With the jock group, you will tend to see a lot more fo the tennis shoe/jersey combo but, for the most part, it's the same formula, in my experience.

More to come...

Things I Should Never See: Keeping Tabs

2005-09-17T03:57:00.000-07:00

I am frequently found on my high pedestal looking down upon my minions, not because I am a popular author, but because I don't care that I'm not a popular author. It's a widely known fact that I'm convinced at least 50% of the population of the site are mildly retarded and what remains are still only a notch above completely brain dead. There are, of course, the cream of the crop - a smattering of people who are simultaneously good writers and intelligent people with whom I can carry out a conversation with without begging for death.

Once more, my high horse and I embark upon a pretentious road to bitch about your syntax.

At the risk of sounding like a boot camp instructor, who the fuck taught most of you how to write a narrative paragraph? This is not a court record ladies and gentlemen. I do not need to know what every person in the room was doing at all times. Again, I say, if you aren't speaking to a larger point, it shouldn't be in your story.

Unless it is imperative to your characterization that we know that Ron agreed with Harry and would be heading off in a moments time to spy on a Slytherin, leave it out. A sentence that reads "Ron agreed with Harry and Hermione headed off to the Library to do some research."

No. Completely useless. Nothing about that sentence speaks to a louder point. Carrying on with my 'spying on some slytherin' scenario, I'm going to take a quick whack at a passage.

"I think we should sneak down to the grounds and see what their up to," Harry whispered through his toast, chancing a glance around the room.

They'd been planning this for months and, if all went well, their plots would be foiled tonight, Looking across at his two friends, his stomach fell. Their reactions were just as he'd predicted. Hermione looked panic stricken, her face swelling as though she had 1,000 things to say. Where Ron...Ron looked terrified, but Harry and Ron had seen each other through more than this and, pale though he looked, Harry was certain Ron would be there.

"Oh, don't say it, Hermione. I'm going, with or without your help," he hissed, pretending to shovel more potatoes onto his plate.

See, we've established their reactions without some feeble sentence about how everyone agreed with the plan. Grant me the fact that the above scene is abysmally written but, seeing as I through it together in the process of this article and this article has only taken me about 5 minutes to write, I'm none too disappointed with myself.

Story telling is about two things.

1. Telling the story of an event.
2. Telling the story of the characters during the event.

These pieces of fiction that we write are nothing more and nothing less than that. Surely, they may have underlying messages of friendship, faith, morality, loyalty, the dangers of war, the dangers of society and any number of other things that may be near and dear to your heart, but the overwhelming goal is to tell a story o a time and a place and a people.

While I seldom recommend considering TV anything near to writing, I'm going to use it as an exercise of sorts here - take it for what it is. Take a small scene from a TV show or a movie and write it. I don't mean, write down the dialogue and who said it, I mean for you two write the scene out. The way the light plays off of the room, the way the setting is, the way the characters move. It might help to impart that there is more to portraying a scene that simply the lines - and saying 'Ron agreed' is nothing more than glorified dialogue.

As a final reminder, because it probably needs saying again - If it doesn't speak to a greater point, it shouldn't be in your story.

The Formula For Success

2005-09-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:
5 C Canned Dialogue
2 t Humor Extract
3 1/4 C Romance
3,500 Words
1 Thesaurus
1 16oz. Bottle Suffering
Dash of Cliche powder

A few teaspoons Loosely Veiled Threats for presentation.

Pour the entire contents of a bottle of Suffering and all 5 cups of Canned Dialogue into a large mixing bowl. Let stand 5 minutes.
Add Humor extract to the mixture. Make sure to break one of it's legs first.
Stir in Romance & Cliche. Be careful add the Cliche powder and the Romance at the same time.
Mix words into the liquid until it forms a glue-like substance, then add your thesaurus.

Put it in a pre-heated queue for 2-4 days, checking periodically. Sprinkle liberally with Loosely Veiled Threats and serve. Await accolades.

Wait! There's more!

Actually, there's not, and that won't work. Well, to be abysmally honest, it will work. It's horribly horribly true that you can get a bunch of the same things and post them up and wham, you've got yourself a hit story, but there's a difference between having a hit and having something good.

Originality and taking a chance on something isn't overdone, cliched or just plain stupid is worth it, at least you'll have your self-respect when you're done.

Time: It's Not Just For Fun Anymore.

2005-08-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

1997: The first time Green Day actually belongs in Potterverse

The time has come for another installment in my “Time: It’s Not Just For Fun Anymore” series. Yes, with the release of the new book, fan fiction has moved on to the Seventh Year Fic. We never thought we’d get here; we never thought we’d survive, but we have. Battle scenes abound. It’s finally almost legal to get the characters sloshed. At no point in the course of your prose will it occur to you that your Harlequin content might just be a little bit age-inappropriate.

You-Have-Arrived. (…and so has your handy-dandy reference guide…)

Music
1997 marks a lot of things good, bad and ugly…but mostly just bad and ugly.

The Wallflowers topped the charts that year with their hit “One Headlight.” Mellow and moody, just like the rest of their releases; pretty-boy, quasi-rockers were having a great year. I was not.

Quickly followed by what is possibly one of my favorite ringtones, Aqua released “Barbie Girl” and many a demoralized mother was lost in its wake of double-entendre.

It’s the darker side of 1997 that really captured the hearts of many. Yup, you guessed it, 1997 was the year of the Boy Band. The Backstreet Boys, playing off of the New Kids on the Block formula, released ‘Quit Playing Games With My Heart’ and sent gazillions of teenage girls into high-pitched vocal seizures that were only slightly more deafening than the song itself. And then there was ‘MmmBop.’ I…this song…it just…This song got more radio play than Enter Sandman with remarkably less talent. *wanders off humming ‘mmmbobbidippydadadooopbadipidadadoooooooooooo….’*

This year also marked the end for Sugar Ray. Formerly a pretty heavy metal-esque band, they released ‘Fly’ which, while destroying Mark McGrath’s singing career, landed him a job with TV Tabloid, Extra

Smash Mouth, ex-Ska band, released ‘Walkin’ on the Sun,’ loosing their entire true-fan base in the sum and total of 3 minutes and 25 harrowing seconds.

Debbie Gibson released “Lost in Your Eyes;” a song so bad that I have absolutely no recollection of it. A similar fate to Sophie B. Hawkins release of ‘As I Lay Me Down To Sleep’ except I remember this one.

‘Push,’ brought to you by the boyish looks of Matchbox 20, dropped us smack into the realms of chick-rock and is solely responsible for Rob Thomas’s resurgence as a pop-artist today. Sad.

It what is one of the few releases of 1997 that I still admit to listening to, ‘Hell’ by the Squirrel Nut Zippers brought big-band swing back to the mainstream for all of 5 minutes.

Did I mention that ’97 was a big year for chick rock? Third-Eye Blind brought us ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ that year while The Verve released ‘Bittersweet Symphony’ and another Wallflowers hit (6^th Avenue Heartache) topped the charts.

For more highly-mockable Karaoke class, Chumbawumba brought us ‘Tubthumping’ and Aqua gave us ‘Dr. Jones.’

Sarah McLachlen brought girl-power music together with Lillth Fair and ‘Building a Mystery’ and Jewel gave us ‘You Were Meant For Me.’

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. 1997 marked Green Day v.2.1 ‘Good Riddance (Time of your Life),’ a song played at every prom, graduation, and other pseudo-sad occasion for the rest of time.

1998: And The Hits Just Keep On Coming

When I realized that I needed to include this, I was fearful because if 1997 was bad, ’98 was nothing if not worse. Much, much, much worse.

'98 was a mixed bag. There were a few releases that I enjoyed then and still enjoy now...and then there were,,...the others.

Music
As more a continuum than a new year, Semisonic released “Closing Time” bring the total ‘soft-rockish song’ count to 4,579 for the fiscal year if you include Eve 6’s “Inside Out” and the Goo Goo Dolls…(don’t even get me started)…drop of “Iris.”

This year had it’s share of quirky songs I still keep for laughs, though. Harvey Danger’s “Flagpole Sitta,’ Marcy Playground’s “Sex and Candy,” and the two big-band swing hits of the year; Cherry Poppin’ Dadies “Zoot Suit Riot” and Brian Zetzer’s “Jump, Jive and Wail.”

The girl-power revolution continued with Sheryl Crow’s “Run Baby Run’ and Shawn Colvin’s “Sunny Came Home.”

Meanwhile, I was busy trying to find a device that was appropriate skinny and sharp to puncture my own eardrums before I heard Fastball’s “The Way” ever again. This was a tragedy of radio and music that I had, until this moment, forgotten, emphasized by the confused look on my face while I opened iTunes to figure out what on earth this song was.

Then there was Billy Myers. I…well…I just have no idea where to group “Kiss the Rain” so I guess it gets it’s own paragraph because…well…ugh. I suppose I could put it in the “contemplated moving to Germany because Death Metal is better than this” pile.

On the sunny side, Garbage had a release this year as well. No matter what anyone says, I still like Garbage.

But, after 1997, there was only one thing that could really shock the world and that thing came wrapped in a big wrinkly package. Aerosmith released “Pink.” In retrospect, I think that this is the quintessential moment in which we all knew music was dead.

Over Doing It

2005-08-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

A mere blip in the space-time continuum ago, I wrote a few pieces for Writer’s Resources on naming your character something relevant. Oh, how I have come to regret them.

First, it was the constant barrage of e-mails hailing me as the chieftains of Satan’s hellhounds for claiming that the name “Moonflower” was too over the top. Those were rapidly followed with people from all corners of the globe heckling with my categorization of names as “odd.” (My apologies, I’ve dated 5 different guys named ‘Mike’ in the last 8 years and known countless more but I’ve still yet to meet a Hermione.) Now, the e-mails about that article have slowed to a trickle but the monster that fan fiction has created rages on. (Legal Note: The monster to which I refer is different from the monster that lives in Harry’s chest. I’m just not that corny. No infringement is intended or implied. ) People are now putting too much thought into their names in some ways and not enough in others.

Certainly, JKR uses names from mythology so often that I feel like tying a sheet over my shoulder and watching an Orlando Bloom movie, but not for every name. Some names, she just liked or thought were common or appropriate. Take ‘Harry,’ for instance. Courtesy of BehindtheName.com and a few other useful sites*, I’ve tracked down the following information:

Origin:

This actually comes from the Medieval form of Henry, which is defined as “From the Germanic name Heimerich which meant "home ruler", composed of the elements heim "home" and ric "power, ruler". This name was introduced into Britain by the Normans. It was borne by eight kings of England including the infamous Henry VIII, as well as six kings of France and seven kings of Germany. Other famous bearers include arctic naval explorer Henry Hudson, novelist Henry James, and automobile manufacturer Henry Ford.”

Namesakes:

Harry S. Truman: 33 US President after a rather unexpected chain of events involving death and a whole lot of mid-1900’s conspiracy theories. Known for a lot of things; most of them are, after careful research, shameful.

Harry M. Markowitz: A Nobel Prize Laureate in 1990 for his work in Economic and Financial Theory.

Harry Martinson: Another Nobel Prize Laureate, this time in 1974 for “writings that catch the dewdrop and reflect the cosmos."

Or, perhaps, for one of the total 15 sports-related celebrities Behind the Name lists

The point that I’m getting at is this; sometimes, you just choose something because you like it or because it’s common. There doesn’t always have to be a greater purpose because sometimes it’s just outright annoying.

The line between “Zack” and “Moonflower” seems wide but is, admittedly, very thin and nearly impossible to walk, but try you must because you’re all driving me mad.

Article Source:
http://www.behindthename.com
http://www.nobelprize.org

Letting Go

2005-07-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

As Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince release mayhem comes to a close the grieving must begin in earnest.

This book has given us many things to grieve; the death of our beloved Headmaster, any hope that JKR might realize just how right Harry and Hermione are for each other, Bill’s dashing good looks and, for many, the time has come to finally grieve the death of Sirius Black.

Since death is probably the world’s most pervasive tragedy, it has been studied extensively by therapists, scientists, philosophers, and even industry. It has also been studied extensively by me and therefore, I feel fully qualified to pass along some tips for getting through the grief so you can move on to go the good things in life, like shamelessly mocking the feeble transitions in this book.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined the five stages of grief in her book “On Death and Dying.” I read this. It was boring. I contemplated many ways to liven up the subject matter a little, hand puppets were considered, but I thought that might offend some so we’re going to have to go at this in the same dry manner as always; a list.

Step One: Denial

Denial is probably the most recognizable stage of grief and the one in which so many of our forum users seem to be stuck. Alas, it takes more than peanut butter to get this wad out of your hair. For some it will require a full assessment of the facts and a complete exhaustion of every far-fetched idea they can think of while others are happy to take it as writ that it’s just over. Still some will never be satisfied that the buck has stopped, the bucket has been kicked and the timer reached zero. To you, the truly committed, the next passage is dedicated.

Dumbledore is dead. So is Sirius. Harry and Hermione is just never going to happen and Remus is probably next. Deal.

This should free up a lot of your time. Your grades might even pick up.

Step Two: Anger

No, not at me. At the world, at JKR, at her editors and publishers. You are angry. That’s understandable. Regardless of whether you liked Dumbledore or not, it can’t be denied that he just shouldn’t have died; it was cruel to take him from Harry and in that fashion no less. Many impulses will occur to you now. Ignore them. Do not write that angry letter. Do not abandon the series. Do not tear up your fanclub membership. Do not burn all of your memorabilia. You will regret this later when Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out in cinema’s and reminds you why you liked this in the first place. If nothing else, you’ll regret it when you realize just how much grey matter you’ve dedicated to this obsessive love. Why render it useless now? You’ve survived other JKR train wrecks and even if this one gave you a bit of whiplash, that’s no reason to stop watching.

Step Three: Bargaining

Like a tourist strolling through Purerto Vaillarta, the desire to negotiate is probably overcoming you now. “What about Peter? We never really liked him in the first place!” or “Take Ron, he’s annoying!” A few deep breaths and facts should knock you right out of this phase.

Something like 2 Million copies of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince were sold in the UK in the first day of sales. This is not the kind of statement you can just retract. Ever watched the Prime Minister stumble during Question Hour and spend the next six weeks trying to take it back. This is the level of denial we’re talking about here, and the Prime Minister only has to deal with disenfranchised adults, JKR is tangling with obsessed teenagers. She could lose a limb or two

It’s also important to consider the notion that Dumbledore’s death may have some shred of relevance to the series as a whole. I know, it’s a far off notion, but perhaps Dumbledore’s death was meant to help Harry to grow in some fashion.

Step Four: Depression

And the upswing of stories labeled “Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme” takes a dangerous rise in the queue, the angst category swells to the breaking point and Draco and Hermione are suddenly pairing off far more frequently than the staff is used to.

Yes, you have finally accepted the death, devastation, and outright cruelty of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and it’s bloody depressing.

You, my friend, need to wallow. Go get some ice cream, put on your sweatpants, rent The Way We Were and drown your sorrows in a gallon sized tub of Cherry Garcia. You’ll feel better. Or, if that’s not your style, re-read some of the more not-quite-canon moments in HBP. My personal recommendation is the Madame Malkins scene. It gets me every time.

Step Five: Acceptance

You’ve cried, you raged, you’ve probably broken a few things in the process and maybe even gained a pound or two. Finally, however, you’ve reached your destination on the other side. You’ve accepted it and you are better for having gone through the experience.

Welcome, well-adjusted individual, to the ranks the indifferent. Join us in giggling fits as we read the threads in The World of Harry Potter that desperately cling to some shred of hope. Don’t worry, they’ll come around.

Thinking, Over-Thinking and the Ties that Bind

2005-07-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am all for anything that makes youth really sit down and [i]think[/i] about something, so when the new books release and analysis abounds on the forums, I'm usually thrilled. Lately, and possibly just because I wasn't around for the OOTP release, I've noticed a trend, namely picking ut the wrong things and taking them to the moon.

For instance - in the US edition of the book, Dumbledore makes a comment to the effect of "Draco, they can't kill you if you're already dead." Now, without context clues, it's easy to think that that's a little menacing, but if you take in the next sentance the meaning is clear and in no need of analysis. "We can protect you, Draco. We can send someone for your mother. We can hide you more completely than you ever imagined." Mind, those are not exact quotes but that's the general jist of things.

To jump to the conclusion, for those sentances, that Draco is already dead is a bit batty. A bit like the witness protection program, the mob, or the FBI, Dumbledore is offering to hide Draco and to make it look like he is dead or has disappeared. In exchange for Draco's sharing information with the Order.

Why JKR included this is unknwon but I suspect she wanted to show Dumbledore's trusting, merciful side once more before he died. Draco had been overtly trying to kill him all year and, in his mercy, trust, and complete lack of faith in Draco, he siad nothing to spare the boy. Now that the time for himi to do the deed is upon him, he's certain in Draco's 'true heart' he's not a murderer or a true follower of Voldemort and willing to save him.

Throughout the book, his mercy and trusting nature have been hammered as his greatest weakness and, in this situation, it killed him. He imobilized Harry to keep him from a. attacking Draco while Dumbledore was bargenning with him and b. to prevent him from moving and calling attention to himself, thereby risking his life.

To be honest, so far as I can tell, that's the sole intention of the sentance but many are seizing and taking it to a rather strange place :)

Now, if you'll go back to GOF for a moment, to the scene in Moody's office when he discusses the Secrecy Sensors and the fact that they can't function properly in the school around so many people. Very few took that up with the numorous other clues run to the conclusion that 'Moody' wasn't really himself.

It isn't the scenes that seem big that contain pivitol plot information, its the scenes that seem inconsequential that make the biggest impact on plot development.

Top 10 Reasons Books Are Responsible For Any Deviant Impulses I May Have

2005-07-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

As I sat here tonight thumbing through my weather worn copy of Half-Asleep in Frog Pajama's, trying to get into the right second-person mindset, my mind wandered to the oddities on my bookshelf and I realized something important; it's all literature's fault.

What I read was never monitored for...uh...explicit content. My mother liked that I read (and my reading level surpassed her own by the time I was about 8) she she was never much fuss about what I decided to pick up. As a child, I read any and everything anyone reccomended; whatever I could get my hands on and the books I loved weren't Goosebumps like so many kids my age. I was drawn to The Giver. I read Anna Karenina before my English teacher did and when I was about 10, someone handed me a copy of Skinny Legs and All.

I blame it all on Tom Robbins.

No 10 year-old should be handed a copy of this book. It's a good book, that goes without saying, but when you throw in the authors tendancy toward the sexual (including the 50 year old Jew with the shoe fetish) it's just flat out not appropriate. Then, i suppose no one thought Tolstoy was either. What can I say, anyone can read Number the Stars; I was a Maverick and there's shit in Half-Asleep in Frog Pajamas that I wouldn't validate.

From thereon out, I was hooked. Tom Robbins was my man and I have dutifully picked up every book he's put out since that day. Switters, the pedophile CIA agent. Larry Diamond, the ex-Broker genius gone frog-licker. The characters were never the reason i read them - who can resist a book with lines like "Christianity - the emey of teeth, the clitoris and the brain," but when i dissect the character responsible for every pseudo-deviant motivation I have, it's a piece of these concepts behind it.

While girls my age were watching Cinderella stories sans-poofy skirt and really uncomfortable shoes for their make-up of the perfect man, I was at home with four-hundred page novels liberally sprinkled with phrases like "This is more than a vagina, this is a monstre sacre!" It's something like the difference between Chad Michael Murray and Billy Bob Thorton, but wittier, i suspect.

While most girls my age were falling for the guy with the motorcycle, I was fawning over a man created and compiled by many an hour spent reading that should have been spent sleeping. He doesn't exist, i know this, but there's a piece of every male-lead i've ever enjoyed in him. A bit of John Galt and a dash of Howard Roark with just touch of Siwtters and a pinch of Larry Diamond. He is the instant orgasm.

And that, class, is why books ruined my teenage years.

I'm fucked.

Thigs I Should Never See: The Tonks/Lupin Edition

2005-07-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

My favorite ship and even it has some things that just make me want to sit through another reading of HBP with some Vogan sensory enhancments. So, we embark on "Things I Should Never See: The Tonks/Lupin Edition"

Excerpts below have been taken from actual stories. While i would normally credit the authors for their work, given the context, I think it's probably more polite not to.

Passage:
Tonks was alone in Grimmauld place. Tonks was alone in Grimmauld place with Remus Lupin. She'd had a huge crush on Remus ever since she'd first seen him. The fact that this July had been incredibly hot--so hot that even the usually conservative Remus was in cargo shorts and a sleeveless white t-shirt--didn't help.

No:
Right, this story was clearly writtten by someone who has a seventh year installment of Harry Potter and the Second War. It probably starts in a very simmilar fashion.

Remus Lupin is 37 years old. He is a cash-strapped werewolf. He is an intellectual. I cannot picture him in a shirt without a collar. I'm sorry, I just can't. I would bet that there's a consencus on that.

Passage:
He looked hot. Not movie star, or model hot, but perfectly tanned Californian surfer type of hot. This was definitely not good. How could she ever hope to help him heal from the loss of Sirius if she was battling with her mouth whether or not to ask him out?

No:
Does...can I even...ugh.. If you can't figure this out, you're just an idiot.

Passage:
She sat, sobbing, on the cold hard unyielding floor. Her body shook and trembled, she was so angry at herself and so numb; she needed to feel again, she needed to feel alive. Taking the scissors, out of the pocket of her robes, she rolled back her sleeves and began to carve. It had started, at first, just as scratches but she realised, as they began to fade into nothingness, that it wasn’t enough and so she had begun to cut deeper.

No:
She's a grown fucking woman - not a melo-dramatic 16 year-old.

Passage:
And yet here he was, off on a visit to see her. He tried to tell himself that it would be enjoyable to see Tonks, and perhaps even catch up with her mother, Andromeda, as well. He hadn't see Andromeda since school; the last time had been one weekend just after leaving Hogwarts when he and Sirius had paid a visit to her at home, strictly for the purpose of aggravating her sisters Narcissa and Bellatrix, and scandalizing their parents. Finally he gave up; there was no way that he could convince himself that he had the slightest interest in catching up with an old friend. It was her daughter that he needed to see.

No:
Check your canon people - there is a 12 year difference between Remus and Tonks. Even if it was plausible that they were friends in school, time wise, it's just creepy to think that that would be the context :)

Forum Usage

2005-07-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

In spending a lot of time on the forums in the past few days - trying desperately to keep things neat, tidy, manageable and useful, I've ntoiced a few really atrotious trends.

1. Topic Titles Are Not A Teaser

Topic titles, in any case, particularly when you're trying to avoid spoiling things for other people are supposed to be descriptive of the topic at hand - a general summary.

i.e., if you would like to know some great sites for blogging the most descriptive and effective title is:

"Searching For Great Blogging Sites"

It is not:
Blogger
Do you know of any....
I need a....
OMG I can't find a....
help!!!

2. Rules, what are they good for?

The true evil for a forum admin would be those who ignore the rules. You can post them - you can link to them - you can make themin really big letters. It doesn't matter. No one will read them.

Poisonous Toad Stools Don’t Change Their Spots..and Neither do Nerdy Girls

2005-06-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Certainly, we’ve always known Hermione to be capable of a transformation but there are many words that are not, nor ever will be, part of her vernacular (as evidenced by the fact that she knows what ‘vernacular’ is.) Gucci, Coach, Marc Jacobs, and Michael Kors are a good start.

Time: It's Not Just For Fun Anymore!

2005-06-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the latest installment of the Harry Potter series actually takes place in 1996? It did. Do you know what this means? 1n 1997, when Harry Potter turned 16, these are the CD’s he might have asked for:

- No Doubt

- Jewel

- The Cardigans

- Toni Braxton

- The Wallflowers

- Duncan Shiek

- Shawn Colvin

- En Vouge

- OMC

- The Backstreet Boys

- Alannis Morsette

- Paula Cole

- Counting Crows

- Sister Hazel

- The Verve Pipe

Are you terrified yet? You should be. 1997 was a terrible year for music and wine but that doesn’t mean you get to ignore it.

In 1997, Evanescence didn’t exist; Green Day had just released Nimrod after a three year hiatus from Insomniac. Papa Roach hadn’t released their first album and the guys behind Good Charlotte were playing with GI Joes.

Pregnancy 101

2005-06-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

Course Aims:

- Inform readers of the real harrowing aspects of pregnancy and child rearing

- Dash the hopes of would-be young authors who find the notion of Hermione getting pregnant by Harry…or Ron…or Draco..or possibly all three of them, a dashing fun game.

- Motivate at least one child to apologize to their mother.

Step One: Communication
Whom do you know who has gone through pregnancy before? Well, let’s start with the obvious, your mother. Meet her in the kitchen with a cup of tea. Sit her down and calmly explain that you are writing a Harry Potter fan fiction in which the main character gets pregnant by one of three boys and you would like to keep it as realistic as possible.

Step Two: Waiting
At this stage, your mother will likely have started screaming at you for contemplating such a concept. If you are a daughter, it is likely that she has assumed this was less a question about your story and more a hypothetical situation that “your friend” may be in. For sons, it is likely that she may think this is a hypothetical situation that one of “your friends” has gotten that sweet girl down the street into. This will subside.

Step Three: Reheat the Tea
That is to say, if she has not overturned it in her initial rage. Take this as an indication of what a fantastic idea this plotline is.

Step Four: Get Comfortable
Yes, I hope your kitchen is a warm, cozy place because you are about to spend the next four to five hours hearing the stories of harrowing three AM feedings, vomit, feces, the time you urinated all over your father and your bedroom wall, bath time, getting mashed carrot stains out of the white jumper she had just bought for you, bank account draining, losing the baby weight, doctor visits, hospital bills, panic, hysteria, chaos, lost intimacy, morning sickness, pickle ice cream and, finally, she will complete her tale of the first month of your life.

Step Five: ?
To be honest, I have not drafted a step five. If you have made it through steps one to four and still feel that your story still sounds like great fun, there is nothing that I can do to stop you.

Step Five – The Alternate Option: Apologize
Your mother has sacrificed a lot for you. Sleep, money, goals, her hopes and dreams. Now you have come to realize that your mother gave up a lot of things for you, that you have, effectively ruined her life. Stop, turn around, take out your brand new lip ring and say you’re sorry. Go upstairs, finish your homework and clean your room. Set aside notions of writing a story about teen pregnancy, realize that, in the real world, there is no Madame Pomfrey to take care of a crying baby when you need to focus on NEWT’s and that you stop being a teenager the minute the strip turns pink.

If the above process does not work for you, come visit my grandmother and repeat steps one through five. If you return home in one piece, your story will be welcomed with open arms.

Private Schools and the Uniform Code

2005-06-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

I, as a private school student through my entire academic career, fancy myself a bit of an expert on uniforms and dress codes.

First the punk/goth look doesn't fly. Don't believe me? Many schools have rules regarding hair, make-up, jewelry, footwear, and even gum chewing.

My old school handbook has this to say on the question

Hair:
Hair, for girls, may be colored, permed, or .otherwise treated. Unnatural tones and styles may not be worn. For boys, hair may not touch the raised shirt collar, may not cover the eyes and must not be treated with unnatural colors and styles.

Accessories:
Rings, bracelets, and necklaces may not be worn unless in association or according to ones medical needs or religious convictions. earrings may be worn but may be no larger than a nickel. For females, nails may only be painted in nude or skin tones. Males may not wear nail polish of any kind. Small amounts of face powder and blush are permitted, however, all make-up applied will match the skins natural tone.

Shoes:
Shoes most be worn at all times and must be closed-toe, black, soft-soled with Velcro or laces. Students changing for gym will also require...

...And so on and so forth. .

While we have been given indications that Hogwarts is more lenient than this particular private (thats night, private, not Catholic) school, we have never been given any indication that they would allow students to come to class in short and revealing tops with their hems still smoking from severing spells.